Grayson's Birth Story

I wanted to write out Grayson's birth story to have to look back on years from now as a way to remember our experience. On one hand, I don't know how i could ever forget this event, but on the flip side, even just one week postpartum, I feel so much differently about the experience looking back on it than I did going through it. 

Just a bit of a warning, Grayson's birth story is a pretty long one, so I'd grab a glass of wine (I think I need one to write and relive this haha) or a cup of coffee and settle in! Labor began on Monday, January 7th. I spent the day shopping with my mom and aunt as a distraction and way to get out of the house, then took the dog for a long walk with my mom in the afternoon. I was 4 days overdue at this point, with plans to be induced on the 10th, so I was trying to walk and move as much as possible! There were no signs of labor, however my mom and I both felt like I was a little "off" that day. 

Contractions began at 7:30 that evening, while John and I were mid-Friends-marathoning. He was about to take some melatonin and head to bed when I mentioned I had already had 2 contractions, so we continued the marathon for a bit. We timed the contractions at 10 minutes apart, and they very quickly progressed to 5 minutes apart in an hour. We finished packing up the bags, I took a shower and we called my Dr. around 10:30pm who told us to head to the hospital. By this time, contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and we said "wow this is going quick! I think we're going to have this baby tonight!" HA.

After being checked into triage, we come to find out I am only 1.5cm dilated. I was surprised - I was under the impression the closer together contractions were, the more dilated you are. So wrong. We wandered around outside in the freezing cold and in the lobby for 2 hours, contractions continuing every 3 minutes. We were brought back to triage to be checked again, and I had only made it to 2.5cm dilated. I was SO discouraged. We were ALREADY so tired and this felt like it was moving SO slowly. We made the call to just go home and labor rather than continue to pace around the hospital lobby. I figured we'd be more comfortable and at least John could attempt some sleep. 

I decided to take a shower, wash and dry my hair as a distraction. The hot water felt wonderful and eased contractions a little. My mom came over around 4am, and I continued to labor until 6am. I so badly wanted to lay down, but I couldn't even sit because that made everything more intense. So all night, all I did was pace and rub my hips, stop and breathe through a contraction and repeat. I barely made any noises the entire time - it felt like it took too much energy and I was completely unable to speak during contractions. I had John call the Dr. at 6am because contractions intensified and were now every 2 minutes apart. Back to the hospital we went, and my Dr. said she'd meet us there shortly. We were checked into triage again, and told I was dilated to 3.5cm. I could hardly believe it. They mentioned sending us home AGAIN and I felt so defeated. There was no end in sight and we were already drained. So, we roamed the hallways for another hour at least. My Dr. arrived around 8:30 and checked me again. I was mentally preparing to be sent home, when she told me I was now at 5cm. I was so happy I could have cried. This meant we could be admitted to a room. 

We were admitted around 9:30am, and I was hoping to get the epidural quickly. It was another several hours before that happened, because the anesthesiologist was in a c-section. At this point, John and I had figured out a bit of a routine to manage contractions. I was so tired but really couldn't lay down, so in between contractions (for a minute or two) I would sit on an exercise ball and bounce lightly side to side, with my torso laying on the edge of bed, face down on a pile of pillows and my Dr. would massage my low back. When I felt a contraction coming on I would stand up and John would come over to me and ask, "will you dance with me?" I gripped his arms and we'd sway from side to side while he reminded me to keep breathing. This routine kept me sane and is really what got me through the 13 hours of labor before I could get an epidural. My Dr. was so impressed she mentioned 3 times that he should consider a career as a doula haha. 

The anesthesiologist finally arrived at 12:30 for the epidural. At this point I had 3 back-to-back contractions and was more than ready to get this done. The epidural was one of the hardest parts of labor - having to sit perfectly still through 3 contractions while he stuck a giant needle in my back was agonizing. I never made a peep during contractions, but during the epidural he hit a nerve in my spine a couple of times, which provoked a pathetic whimper out of me. I kept reminding myself this was the light at the end of the tunnel and that got me through it. 

The epidural felt like such a gift and we were finally able to somewhat relax after that. I could still feel contractions, but they were no longer excruciating. We attempted sleep, but I think both of us only dozed. The way I was progressing my Dr. predicted we'd have the baby between 6:00 and 8:00 that night! It felt like it was going to be smooth sailing from there. At one point, we had both sets of parents and my little sister in the room - an unexpected little party! After a couple of hours, my nurse and Dr. encouraged everyone to get some dinner and let us sleep because we were getting ready to push and would need the energy. They weren't joking. 

Just before beginning to push, they routinely did a cervical check and rolled me onto my left side. For some reason, the baby's heart did not respond to this well and his heart rate went completely out of whack. Four nurses rushed in, and worked very quickly but calmly to make things right. It was such a whirlwind, I'm not sure what they were even doing. They put me on oxygen and prepped an OR for a c-section. I had my eyes glued to the baby's heart rate on the monitor - instead of the normal, wave-like beats, the beats looked like disconnected, upside down "h"s. I didn't know what was happening, but I felt terrified. The nurses were amazing - you wouldn't even know anything was wrong by the way they interacted with us - and quickly got things under control. Baby was just fine and it was time to push!

Pushing felt totally doable after everything we had been through up until this point. We listened to Imagine Dragons, watched this YouTube video and had a few good laughs with my mom,  Dr. and nurse. I was dilated to 9.5 and my Dr. said she could see hair(!) - I just had to get him past my pubic bone. Before I knew it, 3 hours had gone by and I could hardly believe it when my Dr. told me he still hadn't gotten past my bone. I was pushing so hard I was convinced my eyes would pop out of my head. Eventually another Dr. came in, because they thought baby had to be sunny-side-up. After doing an ultrasound, they realized he wasn't and it was just the shape of my bones that wasn't allowing him to move any more. 

At this point, things were not progressing and weren't going to, so we were given a choice. The Drs. could try a vacuum, but baby boy was not in an ideal position for this and this could result in an emergency C-section. The alternative was to prep for a C-section. We decided we did not want an emergency C-section and would rather that the Drs. operated under ideal circumstances. I was completely devastated. It was a combination of extreme exhaustion after laboring for 32 hours and pushing for 3, and all of the emotional ups and downs up until this point - but that was where I finally broke. After everything we had been through, it felt unfair that this was now the result. It felt like throwing in the towel. Even after deciding to move forward with the C-section, I still pushed for another 15 minutes because I was SO determined to get this baby out on my own. Both of our moms intervened to talk me down and tell me to stop pushing - my job wasn't finished, it was just going a different direction. I hadn't failed, and I still had to birth my son, even if it wasn't how I thought. After most everyone was cleared out of the room, our Dr, surgeon and nurse asked if they could pray with us. They laid their hands on us and prayed for comfort and that their hands would be guided through this. A moment I'll cherish forever. Even though we were so distraught, we knew we were in the best hands and this was so comforting. 

We prepped for the C-section and this was kind of a blur. I've never known what exhaustion truly felt like until this experience and now I feel like I can't ever use that word properly again. I remember having to sign a document for the surgery, and just to lift my hand to sign was one of the hardest things ever. We went through the protocols of surgery, risks, etc. and I don't even know if my eyes were open or not. My husband was amazing - even though it was the hardest couple days of his life, he never left my side and advocated for me every step of the way. We had to part ways while i was prepped and he got into his scrubs. 

After I received the spinal tap and was ready, John could come join me. The entire staff in the OR was incredible. We were a wreck and they stayed calm and comforted us the whole way through. Through every step, the anesthesiologist let us know what was happening and that it was going well. It is actually a very quick surgery, and the most bizarre feeling ever. I thought you wouldn't feel a thing, but you actually feel everything without any pain. After a couple minutes, they wrenched the baby out. They said he was "shoved in there like a wine cork" because I pushed so hard. There was an overwhelming sense of relief hearing that first cry. Not just to us, but all of the staff in the room relaxed as well - it was finally over. 

They wrapped Grayson up and laid him on my chest and we quietly cried together while I was stitched up. John had to help me hold him because I had the shakes so bad during the surgery. I always thought I would have this rush of adrenaline after meeting my baby for the first time, but for me, it was almost the opposite. It felt like we could finally relax. 

The whole experience was the farthest thing from what I expected. I think it's pretty incredible what we're created to do and how we're created to forget. Even after living it and reliving it through writing it, even though it was traumatizing and horrible at times, it's beautiful and our unique story of how Grayson came into this world.