What {we wish we knew} to expect

There are hundreds, if not thousands of books out there about pregnancy, childbirth and babies. There are even apps now that walk through month-by-month with you on what to expect. Even so, anytime a friend of mine had a baby, I wanted them to spare no details - because there are things your friends will share with you that no text book or app will!  I guess I figured this would somehow prepare me for when my time came. So today I wanted to share a few things with you guys that I learned through my pregnancy, birth and postpartum that i didn’t know. And probably the number one thing I learned through this journey is that everyone’s story is SO different, so my friends Santana and Kiana are also sharing a few things! 

 Pregnancy: If I’m being honest, my pregnancy was a breeze. I definitely felt things like some nausea, cravings and fatigue, but we all expect that going into pregnancy and for the most part, I enjoyed being pregnant! What I felt that no book could prepare me for was the mental tole pregnancy can take on you and your spouse. It seemed like every book out there was about YOU and what YOU should expect from YOUR body. But no book talks about how to cope with your spouse dealing with this big life change. This is a team thing, and your teammate is also trying to navigate the changes currently happening and what is about to come. We knew things would change between us having a baby, but we weren’t sure how exactly. And it seemed like so many people felt it was necessary to let us know that - which kind of felt like a looming doom. ( I’ll talk about how we felt our experience actually was in the postpartum section). Not only is he trying to navigate this new huge responsibility on his shoulders, but he’s trying to be sensitive to his extra-sensitive wife. One second you might feel like Wonder Women, taking life on while simultaneously growing a human inside your cute little bump, and the next moment you feel extremely fatigued, kind of gross from eating literally anything you want and like your body is not your own. It can be a mental battle.

Also, there are random, odd things that happen to your body during pregnancy. For example: your teeth can feel loose from a hormone that is released during pregnancy. Like, what?!

Birth: If you read my birth story, you already knew none of it was easy. Not that most women’s are, but to be honest I had it in the back of my mind that because I worked out throughout my entire pregnancy and was young and healthy, that my labor and delivery would follow suit. John and I said we’d have an open mind and no expectations about how it would go, but I honestly did have some expectations. If I were to give a friend any advice about labor and delivery: do NOT have expectations. I think even attempting to come up with a plan for some could lead to having unrealistic expectations, because in reality, you have no idea how it will go. Santana and I are the perfect example of that! I had a simple pregnancy with a not-so-simple delivery, and Santana had the opposite: a complicated pregnancy with a smooth delivery. One other thing I learned (unfortunately): how close your contractions are is NOT related to how close you are to delivering the baby. Labor is not like the movies. Go figure.   

PostPartum: I feel like I could talk for hours about this subject, because I’m learning new things daily. What I’ll say is that some things are easier than I expected and some are harder. One thing I didn’t expect is the feeling of needing to “learn” this new person. Even though there is this innate attachment, this little person is their own being, with preferences and opinions and will let you know what those are haha. Personally, as I figured him out and he figured me out, I began to feel more attached. There are so many overwhelming emotions happening, and on top of that you are sleep deprived - I learned it’s OK to not always know how you feel. What I also learned is that the smallest accomplishments feel like huge achievements. Things that I once took for granted and seemed like such menial tasks, I now feel so proud if I can complete in a day while keeping a happy baby. I was lucky enough to have John home for a month when we got home from the hospital. I was a little nervous for him going back to work, because he literally did everything while I (what felt like was constantly) nursed the baby. His first day back at work I showered, put makeup on, made the bed and cleaned the house while keeping the baby content and felt like a total boss. Multitasking has taken on a whole new meaning, and I’ve never wished more often for 2 more arms haha. 

Santana

 Where do I even start? My little girl, Margo, is already two months old! And I am not sure if this is due to sleep (or lack of), but it feels like she has both been with us forever and still just got here. I guess it is fitting to start at the beginning, my pregnancy:

Things I "knew" about pregnancy when I first found out that I was: I might be tired, my hormones would be ever-changing, my belly would grow, my life wouldn't be the same, you know, a lot of what everyone tells you. I am also passionate about healthcare and the science behind things - this was both a good and bad thing - as I read at least four different books about every little thing that was happening as she developed. Things I didn't know: how many heat strokes I would have at random times throughout the day, how heavy I would breathe after getting into the car or walking a few steps, and how hard it would be if I didn't have a "textbook pregnancy."

At 16 weeks, we were diagnosed with Vasa Previa, Placenta Previa, and Velamentous Cord Insertion (VCI). Now don't worry if you read that and thought they sounded like Harry potter spells (I did too), but what those terms mean is basically my placenta and umbilical cord were both in a dangerous place. My placenta was blocking my cervix, and the cord wasn't encased in the protective jelly as it normally is leaving fragile blood vessels exposed to rupture. This left me at risk for second trimester miscarriage and birth complications. From that appointment on, we were viewed as high risk, and sent to see a specialist. I also was put on bed rest for a month until they could further determine the severity, which if you know me, that was another hurdle in itself. What I wish I had known before pregnancy, is how much this little girl would mean to me so soon. When we were first diagnosed the doctor told us "You need to make it to at least 24 weeks for your baby to have a chance" – that was the moment everything became real and the reality of her not being here with us was also a real possibility. The next 8 weeks seemed as though I was holding my breath the whole time. And each week that past, I would breathe a little easier. I learned very quickly that we all may have "plans" for our pregnancy, but from the moment of conception, our babies are teaching us to be malleable, to adapt to everchanging situations. Sometimes things go different than you had imagined, and that’s okay.

 We continued to roll with the punches, driving south for our appointments, accepted that C-section was the only safe way to deliver, and that an extremely premature baby could be in the cards. The docs told us that we had a 25% chance that our diagnosis would resolve by the end of pregnancy, and my husband will tell you, that the odds rarely go in my favor. Well, fast forward to 30 weeks and another ultrasound, our tech starts acting funny but won’t say anything, she leaves for awhile, comes back, leaves again, and I am thinking the worst. The doctor finally comes back with her and all I remember is them saying it had resolved, we were clear, and we were no longer viewed as high risk. They were in disbelief and I was jubilant. For my entire pregnancy, I had been prepping for a lot of scary possibilities, but now I was "normal!" Natural birth was now on the table. 

What do I wish I knew about labor? What a contraction felt like, so I knew what I was getting myself into. My water broke two weeks early and off to the hospital we went. My ideal birth was to have minimal interventions, but with all the scare, my big picture birth plan was to just get Margo here safe by whatever means necessary. My pregnancy journey had taught me that if things don't go as planned, life will go on, so I approached my labor with the same mind set. My water broke on a Wednesday night, but contractions didn't progress for about 12 hours. So if you're like me and are stuck in the hospital for a long period of time, here are a few tips that worked for me: 1) bring a speaker so you can listen to happy easy going music while you are hanging out for what feels like forever, 2) visitors are fun in spurts (bonus if they bring you icecream), 3) and talk to the nurses, they are there to talk you through this experience too. After about 12 hours I agreed to a pitocin drip. I think Margo just needed that little eviction notice, because three hours after that drip started she was here. Fast and furious my friends, that is how I explain my labor. I am happy to report she made it here safe, and was able to be put on my chest, healthy and normal sized. What I also didn't know: The crazy amount of joy you get from holding your baby in your arms after 9 months of wondering if you would. 

Margo is now two months old. I could go down a list of things I didn't know about newborns and maybe tell you all I knew was that they are new. My biggest takeaway sofar is, it's okay to be new. It is okay to not know. Your baby is learning how to be a human and you are learning how to be a mom, those are pretty big tasks if you ask me. Breastfeeding is a journey, and those first few days, I questioned my ability to do it, but I am also learning she pushes me to be better and stronger than I thought I could be. I am also a lucky lady because through this roller coaster, my husband has been my number one teammate. And boy do I mean teammate, this pregnancy and baby thing is not to be taken lightly (I have so much respect for you single parents). Cliche as it sounds, time flies by, and I keep teaching myself to live in the moment and be aware of when I am fixated on future worries and bring myself back to the fact I have a beautiful little girl in front of me. It's funny the way life goes, I know God is extremely intentional in how it all pans out, and I can't wait to keep rolling with the punches. I heard motherhood might have a few of those ;) 

Kiana

 Hey there! I’m Kiana, mother to Theodore (2 years old) and Haddie (3 months

old). I had my son when I was 21 and my daughter when I was 22 - so

basically I’ve had very little sleep and no wine to compensate for it (I’m

joking about the wine, but not really.) Motherhood is definitely made up of

high highs and low lows, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world (or a full night’s sleep - and that says a lot). I may be on the younger side of

momming, but lemme tell you: I know things. Good things, bad things, weird

things. Things that people don’t tell you or warn you about. Things that I

wish I would have known when I was getting into this whole

taking-care-of-tiny-humans thing. So without further-a-do, here’s my list

of stuff I didn’t know but wish I had:

Delivery: the best-laid plans of having an epidural often go awry.

When people asked me what my biggest fear was for delivery it was me not

getting my epidural in time. I was dead set on having one with Haddie

because the one I had with Theodore made my labor and delivery a freaking

party. You heard me. A PAR-TAY. I took a nap while having my contractions

and delivered the next morning. Who wouldn’t want that again?! Buuuuut as

you can guess, Haddie was a different story.

I was admitted at 6cm, but I think I was more like 10cm because Haddie came

very quickly. We got checked in within 10 minutes. Once my water broke with

her in the triage room I asked if I could get an epidural. My husband said

the nurses gave each other a “she-wishes” look as they told me “we’ll see

hun, let’s get you to the delivery room.” Long story short, I ended up

delivering in the next 5 minutes (wasn’t expecting that lol). My first

delivery with Theo was 22 hours of labor and 45 minutes of pushing. My

second delivery with Haddie was 4 hours of labor and 3 pushes. My doctor

didn’t make it to Haddie’s birth, in fact, the on-call doctor barely made

it in time to catch her! Why do I compare the two? Because life is

(obviously) unpredictable. We can have a birth plan and ideas of how we

think our labor is going to go (like my plan to get my party epidural). But

that babe is going to come when they want and how they want. It’s

completely out of our hands!

 The best thing I was told to do was to go with the flow and not have my

birth plan so strict that I wasn’t open to alternative options in case

things didn’t go as planned. Don’t get me wrong, you bet your bottom dollar

I had my “oh sh**” moment when I realized I wasn’t getting that epidural.

And my mind was definitely racing with thoughts about all of the pain I was

about to endure. The ring of fire, getting this watermelon sized human out

of my body, the next hour (maybe more) worth of pushing. But I think if I

had been more concerned about my birth plan going accordingly rather than

just having my baby, I would have freaked out waaaay more. I remember a

distinct moment when I got on the bed and thought to myself, “How am I

supposed to do this with no drugs??” But something in the back of my mind

told me I had no other options, I just had to get through it. So I bucked

up, pushed that baby out. And not but two minutes later she was in my arms

and I was eating that post-delivery turkey sandwich.

Postpartum: They will eat pizza one day.

When I pictured nursing my baby, I thought I’d just pop him on and go about

my business like I had seen so many other moms do. But it was nothing like

that in the beginning for me. It was sheer torture. Both of my kids gave me

grief with nursing, but Theodore was by far the worst. As if my sore

crotch, rock hard engorged boobs, and pant peeing (yep, right on on our porch) weren’t enough to deal with, my nipples were enduring trauma from a tiny piranha of a baby - eight times a day. (I still have part of my left one missing as proof of my love and endurance.) I would cry my eyes out every time I had to feed him. I’d cringe and scream with every suck, it made me resent my baby which made me feel even worse. But my mother-in-law gave me the best advice for suffering through all my pain and it was this: he will eat pizza one day. 

One day. One day Theodore will be chewing on something other than my nipple. And that’s what I told myself for 8 straight weeks until that one glorious day when it finally stopped hurting. I swear I could hear singing from above. I kept thinking to myself that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This can’t possibly be what moms have to endure after pushing a baby out of their body. 

Oh, but it is. 

It’s just that no one ever talks about it! No one talks about the horrible pain or the blood blisters. No one tells you about the triple nipple cream until it’s too late (that stuff is amazing BTW). 

Looking back, as much as I suffered, I’d do it again. Yes it took 8 weeks, 3 lactation consults, and 2 trips to the baby chiropractor to make progress but it.was.worth.it. (Yep, I said baby chiropractor. I thought I was crazy for taking my newborn to get a little baby massage but Theo latched SO much better after our first visit.) I loved nursing after we got it down. For me, it was the only time I was able to snuggle my baby boy because he was (and still is) so go go go. But as you’ve read - its hard work and it didn’t come easy. Nursing is a true labor of love, but I promise you that you’re not alone if you’re struggling!